+ Surprise.

Tears and a fiesta. Then all this talk heightening, growing large, so wide and far out of the way. And why? Why do we do it? Is the surprise what exists between an entrance and an exit, or after and before? Today was the anniversary. A day I never can pull myself through. An array of gorgeous flowers, their big poofs and wide jaws. That and a hilarious cake. My parents had a “Smoke Off,” ribs, slabs, meat, quail. There were people and glasses, a surprise announcement, a friend engaged. Maybe we’ll always be different. Frustration, family, long distance, need. Need: to be touched, immersed in, thought of, communication, humor, revealed… okay so on and so forth… How horrible to think one may only need someone to desire them… to keep it up.

He ran out. The door split in half. Anyway, he can’t be reached.

Don’t come here.

Stay away. You made things perfectly clear.

And everything he’s thinking isn’t what I wanted, need, desire.

How to say that?

How to ever just be alive and in the love you are in?

How to always be good, grateful, perfect?

Impossible; these always.

notes